Busting open the heart....one sledgehammer at a time.
A powerful shift has happened since my last post. Almost as if it were a catalyst for breaking open my heart and allowing the fear and self-criticism that I had held on to for so many years to finally be taken on head first. To say that the last few days were hard is an understatement. It has been fucking infuriating not understanding where it came from or why it was happening but once I was able to recognize where it stemmed from it has been a liberating experience.
It started with the pangs in the gut, those deep rooted and seated feelings of fear and angst as if tiny tentacles are wrapping themselves around the core of my essence and tugging tighter and tighter making it hard to breathe. Then the waves of sadness that wash over in what feels like a tidal wave of tears with no real specific reasoning just a need to cry and feel it followed by intense anger and guilt. This culminated in two days of sitting within my space trying to understand why this was happening and where it was coming from. Everything has been in a state of flow, not without the standard human experience of work stress and general life stresses that you are able to weather in your day to day but this was different. It was coming from somewhere and something that I couldn’t put my finger on which made the whole situation feel as though I was creating some kind of drama in my life or self sabotage because things have been in a really cohesive state.
Come Sunday evening I was able to pull myself out, surrounded by the love of some beautiful souls both in person and via messages that I was able to seemingly release the final tears and wash away the pain and sadness in the shower, forcing myself to sing until I felt it and to dance until I smiled and felt the energy shift around me. And then I slept, a peaceful and deep sleep that I hadn’t had when looking back at the week that was. It wasn’t until this morning during my little pre-workday meditation at the office that it hit me. Like a fucking sledge hammer of something that then felt so obvious that it made me feel like an idiot for not recognizing it sooner. Everything stemmed from the release of fear and judgement that I had held onto for so long it had become a dirty comfort blanket that kept me seemingly safe and secure, but was doused in so much darkness and heaviness that in order to rid myself of it I had to ride the waves of that energy until they were transmuted into the ether.
Unlocking the heart may sound like an easy task, all we hear is the call to lead with an open heart (I know those words have fallen from my face many a time), to open your heart and to be willing to embrace all that comes your way (again….guilty!). When you have spent so long guarding your heart always keeping a piece of yourself closed off and locked away in the hopes of protecting yourself from being fully vulnerable and showing all of you to another, to actually do it is an intense and brutal situation. I thought that I was living in this space and that I was open and free and practicing love and gratitude and coming from a place of truth and heart. And in part that may have been true but it wasn’t the whole truth.
Because I was wrong. Boy was I fucking wrong.
On reflection I have always held onto that ‘safe’ space within myself where it feels like I can shelter and retreat to if things get a little too intense, if I get to scared, if my vulnerability shows a little too much. Yet a seemingly simple sentence said by someone I love seems to have been the final swing of that sledgehammer to opening up that locked space.
"You don’t need to be afraid".
It may have taken a few days for that to sink in and to reverberate throughout my being but being able to fully release any part of me that may have been holding on was let go and my heart bust wide open bringing with it the need to release all the shit that has been held onto since before I can remember. The pain and sadness and fear all being able finally be freed and with it a sense of clarity and peace with the knowledge that what ties us down and binds us to past trauma only serves to negate the connections that we make moving forward. All we can do is trust in those that come to us within a space of love, compassion, kindness and truth and allow us to shine a light on where we need to work on ourselves and let go.
I went into this always knowing that the path was going to unearth moments like this where I would reach a turning point but never fully understanding the complexities or the impact it would have when it happened. Yet here I am, faced with the prospect of now going forth in my life with my heart open to experience all that is to come. Released from shackles of the past and the doubts I placed upon myself.
From here the path is unknown. I have no indication or prior knowledge as to how this new phase could play out and that’s okay. We walk into each and every day of this life ready to write the chapters and tell our stories the way in which we see fit and from this point on I honour myself and this process to embrace the unknown and let all of me be open for all to see.