Surrendering your addiction to approval & moving forward from fear.
If your mind was a song would it calm the soul or distort the peace? This whole year it seems as though we have all been living in a world of uncertainty & chaos, where the basis of what it means to be human and our connections to those around us was taken away. To say it has been trying is an understatement, missing those I love unable to get out into nature and take time to connect and ground my own mind become clouded as I found myself berating my own thoughts and feelings as invalid because I was in a space of privilege. I was still able to work from home, I had a roof over my head and I was only around the corner from my partner so I was afforded connection and care so who was I to feel sad, low, disillusioned by it all with these still on offer to me? The fact of the matter is that those feelings were and are valid, you can recognize your privilege but this does not negate your feelings and if anything it can actually help you work through the process by understanding where these emotions stem from.
Those first few months my mind was not a symphony in pure harmony with the dulcet tones and melodies to comfort, it was a pounding of chaotic drum beats and horn section that didn't quite hit the right pitch. And within it all I lost me. I lost the clarity that I had worked so hard to achieve. The lack mentality slowly but surely came wandering in and made a home for itself and with it old mate fear came meandering along. And it stirred. It began to fester and all the work that I had put in felt as though it was coming undone. Feeling as though no matter what I did at work it was wrong and I was not working hard enough to get the results required (...I was), not being a caring or understanding enough partner (....I was), not looking after myself physically (....I was). In fact the only aspect that I was letting myself down on was this negative thought pattern and reverting back to fear of failure, fear of letting those I care about down and in doing so loosing the approval and external validation that goes with it.
We can get so caught up in these thoughts and trying to ensure that we are doing all we can to maintain the approval of others that we lose sight of what we want, of what drives us and fuels our passions. We get so lost in maintaining the status quo and doing what we think would hold us in esteem with those around us that we end up trading off our hearts desires, our passions and our calling for the outside validation of self when all along the validation of self needs to be from self. Truth, honesty and love for self needs to be at the forefront of all we do. For us to carve a path for ourselves in this world we need to understand that the main limitation that holds us back is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of rejection....at the end of the day its always fear. But what we need to grasp is that with dear is hope. You cannot have fear without hope, the hope for your dreams to come true, the hope of a new job, the hope of a relationship to flourish, the hope of a new life in a different location. To hope means in its very essence there is a chance of that dream/thought/risk not coming to fruition in the ways that you had envisioned .
So we play it safe and err on the side of caution, keep to our lane and do the safe thing, stay in the same job, follow the path well tread, don't put ourselves out there with our thoughts and feelings and shy away from loving so deep because its easier to just be rather than dealing with what may or may happen on the other side of that leap. What I have learnt most through this time and with the chaos in my mind and loosing this side of me to a complacency was that it stemmed from a fear of acceptance. Yes my ideas, thoughts and the way I see this weird and wonderful world is not for everyone. Not everyone understands but the beautiful thing is not everyone has to. The fact that I have my small circle of those that love and support me and let me ramble my special kind of crazy with an open heart and open mind is testament to the fact that the only approval that you need in this life is the approval of self.
Trust yourself and the process, trust in what you are doing, take the leap on the path of discomfort knowing full well it may not end the way you envision. But if you stay true to you and work each and every day on moving forward with an open heart, an open mind and a commitment to come through this life living and pushing past the fear then that is something to be proud of.
So just once over this next week push past fear and leap onto the new path, into a new passion you've been thinking and love with your full heart.
And maybe, just maybe.....you open up something within that allows you to lay the first block on a life so magnificent.