This is not a sequel
Its been a while. A long while, and yet it feels like only last week that I last posted and shared.
There have been many changes, many new experiences have been had and lessons learnt over the last few months which have been reaffirming and allowed much growth in all aspects of life.
Yet I find myself in a space that is very new to me that I have never experienced in the same ways as I am in this very point in time. I've been in a bliss bubble of sorts, living in the moment and enjoying the relationships that have been forged and that are developing in their own ways along with the new places it has taken me physically, emotionally and spiritually. And yet in these moments of bliss I have noticed a behavior and an emotion in myself that I had not been expecting to see pop up again in my world.
Fear based thought patterns have emerged where the happiness and the moment are interrupted by a period of uncertainty, worry, jealousy and of not being good enough. Where the old patterns of lack mentality rear their ugly head and I need to take stock of where I am at and why I am having these thoughts come back to light. Our lives can be so filled with joy, laughter, play, intimacy and openness and even by practicing vulnerability in every possible way we can still fall into old thought patterns. They become an itch that needs to be scratched but in doing so it becomes a deeper and more insidious wound. What's important to remember as they arise is that these are all teachable moments in which we are able to sit back and regain a little clarity and work through where this emotion or thought is coming from to be able to clear it. We often forget on these journeys that we are still living a human existence and in doing so we have to deal with human emotions and behaviors. This is not a one trick pony whereby you find the meaning and trigger behind patterns of behavior and thought processes and then whooshka they disappear. This is an ongoing process where you become more resilient, you become more attuned to sensing when these patterns reemerge and you learn ways to work through them and clear them as they do.
In relation to my own journey I know that these patterns are tied up with fear of loss and lack of self worth. Its been my jam for as long as I can remember. Its the running theme for most of the clearing that comes up to be released. There is a direct correlation between the way I see myself and the level of fear that is dredged up. But in being able to take a step back and call it out I am able to stop it while it remains a thought in my brain box and before it begins to lock into a deeper pattern. Its imperative that when we recognize the behavior and the pattern beginning to unfold that we take the time to sit with what it is that is triggering the emotion to be able to clear the background and not just dismiss it.
So I come back to my place of rawness and I sit and write.
I sit and I write.
Then I sit and I write some more.
Because in connecting with this side of self I am able to truly understand where I am, where I have wandered off path and what I need to do to get myself back to where I need to be. Self reflection and understanding is immeasurable in these instances as it allows you to fully engage with your higher self and to be open and honest in a raw and beautiful way and allows source to guide you to what needs to be done.
So today I honor myself and my journey by holding myself accountable to be open and raw. To share on this blog more openly than I have in the past. To focus time and energy on my spiritual being. To develop my healing techniques to a higher standard to be able to assist those who need it. To allow myself happiness and love and to accept the love of others with no apprehension or fear. To allow myself to give my all to each and every aspect of my life and connections without resistance.
In writing the above I allow it to ring true and in the knowledge that this is the start of something new and unknown.
And that's a beautiful kind of wonderful.